


Droplets

by icemakestars



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, anti gruvia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 22:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9927569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icemakestars/pseuds/icemakestars
Summary: Juvia reflects on her time in Fairy Tail, and all the regrets she has as a result of this.





	

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like a real, in-depth analysis of Gray x Juvia and Juvia's character development then message me on Tumblr, @ice-bringer.
> 
> I figured posting this might be controversial, but the simple fact is that I like Juvia's character, but it has been completely wasted. This is just a small insight as to what development I would hope Juvia will have in the future (even if it will never happen ugh).
> 
> Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy :)

Juvia despised the rain. Although the practical reasons for this, the ones many other people gave for making the exact same statement, were completely lost on her.

 _It’s cold!_ Juvia’s body was made of water; it could be frozen, but it did not freeze. _It makes the ground wet_! The feeling of water sliding over her black boots was so familiar to Juvia, she hardly even registered it anymore. Although, when she did, it felt less like water and more like bile, sliding down her throat with an ease that could only come to be through years of practice. 

No, Juvia didn’t hate the rain for a frivolous or self-indulgent reason; she hated the rain simply because it made her _sad_. Juvia knew that there were definitely better names for it (melancholy, anguish, sorrow), but still she only recognised it as Sadness. But this Sadness was surreal. Unlike anything she had ever experienced before, the Sadness Juvia felt when she saw the clear droplets slither their way down her windowpane was as vast and encompassing as the ocean itself, and just as relentless. 

It was a constant reminder how weak she was, and how alone. It drove everyone away, her family, her friends, her guild. Everyone was swept away by the rain. Everyone except Juvia. Because she was the rain, and so could not be hurt by it. Because she didn’t deserve them in her life to begin with. Juvia was _nothing_  and she was a fool to think that she could be anything more. 

What did she even try to be, anyway?

A daughter to a mother who was dead and a father who never wanted her. He still didn’t, and Juvia didn’t blame him. She didn’t want Juvia, either. 

A wizard to a guild that did nothing but use her, and then to a guild who showed her kindness that she would never deserve. Juvia was rotten, and everything she touched turned to dust. Worse, it turned to water; an all encompassing nothingness that made up so much of herself that she hated it even more. 

Juvia glanced to the sky, pulling the umbrella back and letting mother nature cradle her blotchy features. It was freezing. It was soothing. It made her feel real again.

The rain wasn’t always so bad, she decided. It showed her that she was still connected to the Earth that she occupied, and that nature was not only around her, but also a part of her. On occasion that was a comfort, and on days when Juvia felt Sadness as daunting as how she felt now, the heavens opened and the sky cried with her. 

She missed Gray.

 _It was raining when we first met,_ Juvia thinks, even if it is an obvious statement to make. It was always raining back then, after all. Juvia kicks an empty bottle of Sake into the gutter, watching as it rolls helplessly in the small flood and then, floundering, disappears into the black abyss of the drain. Juvia smiles wryly. Alcohol is a good stain remover, but no amount of it could erase the memories of her sins from her mind. She had already tried that, after all, and it only heightened her self-awareness, or rather the awareness of herself, and who she had become. 

She wasn’t in love with Gray. 

It was a shock to everyone besides her, ironically enough. Even Gray had stumbled over his words, his shirt becoming lost along with his train of thoughts as he struggled to comprehend her words.

_I’m breaking up with you._

A funny choice of phrase, really, considering she would never truly be free from Gray, or rather who she believed him to be. Not unless she left Fairy Tail, a prospect as daunting as the sun at dawn, or the moon rippling across a summer lake. Juvia was a lot of things, but she didn’t think strong was one of them. Physically, she was in great shape, but mentally… Juvia watches the wind tear leaves from their branches, and a small, undiscriminating sob pries itself from her pursed lips.

Love was like a set of scales, where reality and dreams are balanced. As soon as she has set eyes on Gray- who Juvia had perceived to be her dream man- the scales had tipped in his favour, and suddenly he could do no wrong. And in some ways that was still true; Juvia is the one who had wronged him for more years then she could ever repent for, and yet, in some ways, she knew that he had wronged her as well.

For example, whenever he said that he loved her. A lie, of course, in the same way it was a lie when she said it back. In her lust-fogged mind, nothing but sweet-nothings were registered, and Juvia could not hear the deliciously sweet lies dripping from her tongue. Gray was a great wizard and an even better man, and he had issues which were as deeply embedded into his core as Juvia’s own. She hadn’t helped him, hadn’t considered how her actions would affect him in the long run. 

That was her greatest sin; not considering his feelings about any of this.

It wasn’t as though he hadn’t told her, on more than one occasion, that her ministrations were unwelcome. Unwarranted. That she could choose anyone from the guild and it would still somehow make more sense than the feckless way she acted around Gray. And yet she pushed and pushed, hoping to push herself into his heart and instead pushing him further away than ever. Her desperation to be loved by him blinded her to his lack of feelings for her. It was sad, and pathetic, and exactly what Juvia expected from herself.

She wasn’t in love with him, of course, but rather the idea of him. This idealised version of Gray Fullbuster that she had plastered over her walls and ingrained into her heart. But he did not exist; Gray- the real Gray- was flawed, the same as every member of Fairy Tail was, and these flaws are what brought to the conclusion that should have been obvious from the start; Gray was dating her out of pity, not any real affection, or the distorted, charred emotion that Juvia called ‘love’. Once again she had neglected to realise that Gray was unhappy, or at the very least uncomfortable. If she could not see that, what else had she failed to realise?  

Gajeel- stars!- when was the last time she had spoken to him, let alone asked to take a job together? During her Phantom days, Gajeel had been the consistently inconsistent person in Juvia’s life whom she adored, an anchor that offered her support in the likelihood that she floated away, lost in her own waters. She had cared enough about him to buy his music, invite him into a guild, help him to make friends… and for what? To abandon him years later, for a fruitless love that was as much an obsession as it was an affection?

Juvia felt sick.

Cana, Mirajane, Erza, Wendy… so many people in the guild had shown her kindness, and all she had given them was inconvenience and grief. It was deplorable, really, how poorly she had treated them, Lucy especially.

Lucy Heartfilia, a woman who gave nothing but warmth and accepted all of the cool hardness that Juvia reciprocated with with nothing but an airy laugh and a bright smile. She was the first woman to be nice to Juvia without expecting anything in return, and that had meant everything to Juvia at one point. Who had she become, to forget something as significant as that in such a whimsical and nonchalant fashion?

With a slight stumble, Juvia fell behind the park bench and dropped the umbrella, throwing up yesterday’s lunch with an indignant retch. She had not eaten since then, but now realised how hungry she had become. Still, she knew she would not eat today. She had failed her mind and her morals, it was only a small a small step to fail her body as well.

Wiping her mouth with back of her hand, Juvia turns her head back to the sky. Her eyes were swollen, but still they watered again, transforming the grey expanse into broken and cloudy remnants. She thought about her time in Fairy Tail, about how she had gone from a villain, to part of a family, before reverting back to an unfavourable attitude towards other. In that moment, with her physical and mental form low to the ground, but eyes cast up to the heavens, Juvia made an oath to herself.

Never again would she force a man or woman to be with her out of her own selfishness alone. Never again would she hope for the injury of a comrade to aid her own tedious quest for ‘love’. Never again would she become the low-down, disgusting person who she had seen reflected in the mirror on two separate occasions in her life. Never again would she feel ashamed to be Juvia Lockser.

Never again.


End file.
